Possibly. Probably. Maybe.

I don’t really know…. it seems like stuff is in limbo. I don’t mean the thing with the pole, or the pograming language, I just mean that everything is up in the air.

Or at least that one thing is.

At this point I don’t care about how it ends up, as long as it ends up somewhere.

The masochist in me wants the negative outcome, and so does the conservative – the negative outcome is all that has happened in similar situations in the past. This makes it the known, the outcome I know how to deal with (comfort food, booze, curling into the foetal position and crying for days, self-harm – the usual).

This would be the first time when I actually believe the positive outcome is possible. Usually I do something just to get to the inevitable negative outcome so I can get over it and move on. This time, I may get the positive outcome….

….and that is the scariest fucking thing I can imagine. Terror, dread, horror…. these are some of the emotions that I feel about actually achieving the positive outcome. Which of course calls into question my use of “positive”.

But, I use such descriptors because I know the fear is irrational. It is just fear of the unknown and logically the positive outcome should be positive – it is what we all strive for after all.

Yet, I can’t help thinking that maybe there is a good reason for me not achieving the positive outcome in the past…. like maybe it would completely destroy me. That my true nature would be irrecoverably distorted or destroyed.

Which of course it would. That is the point.

Still…. I kinda like being an island. I like having absolutely no one to influence my decisions. I like being able to do what I want, when I want, how I want. I like being alone inside the walls I’ve built up. I like never having to open up and share the real me.

But I can’t do that anymore. I need someone to break thru those walls, and drag the real me kicking and screaming outside. I need someone to help me recharge. Being completely independent is the most emotionally draining state of being.

But being independent is the known.

Being independent is how I have always been.

But….

I need the unknown.

I need someone.

Not anyone though….

I need that certain someone.

Please….