Think back over your memories…. try to remember the last time someone expressed affection for you. Maybe someone said “I love you”, or even “I like you”. Maybe someone gave you a kiss, or a hug or just that casual loving touch. I’m sure there are more ways that people express affection, people have built whole careers writing books I haven’t read about it.

So, think back to the last time. Maybe it was just before you read this post, or even during. Maybe it was this morning, or yesterday. Maybe it was last week.

I have a lot of free time at the moment (like all 168 hours a week), so I get to do alot of thinking. Or at least I get the time to do alot of thinking.

Typically I try to pack my time completely full, from waking to sleeping I am busy doing something. It might be reading, or listening to a podcast, or writing a song, or whatever. Mostly because when I think, I get sad.

Why do I get sad?

Because when I think back, I can’t remember a time when someone expressed affection towards me in person.

I can’t remember my parents saying anything loving. They might have a long time ago, but not in recent times.

I can’t remember a woman doing or saying anything that was unambiguous. Sure arguments can be made about this or that situation, but no dates, no kisses, no “I love you”. Not once.

So to me love is something I see other people giving and receiving. Something that I try my best to give, but no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I pour my feelings out there, they come back empty.

And when you gaze long into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you.

Or to put it another way, that lack of affection becomes a defining characteristic. I have come to expect that I don’t receive affection. At times I even feel that the world is right, and I don’t deserve affection. That I am worthless and useless and hideous and fit to be burned….

That I am unlovable….

Image stolen from here