Abomination….
1. anything abominable; anything greatly disliked or abhorred.
2. intense aversion or loathing; detestation: He regarded lying with abomination.
3. a vile, shameful, or detestable action, condition, habit, etc.: Spitting in public is an abomination.

It is an interesting word….

One that I chose for a reason, and not just to get hits from google.

I chose it for my song suite (listen for free here) because it is how I think people see me at various times.

Whether it was the reactions of women to me as a person, or the reactions of people to my actions and choices over the past year (or more).

Abomination says it all.

The reason I wrote Bdelugma was partly as a purging.

My songs were starting to get a little one-track, and I’m not talking about the music.

I needed to to express all the pent up emotions that I had about the whole deconversion.

And there were alot of emotions. And I hadn’t expressed them.

Sure I had made some angry blog posts.

And some depressed blog posts.

But there is a great difference between writing a blog post, and having someone hold you while you cry all the pain out.

Now I haven’t done that yet, but the music was close. It did allow me to work through alot of the anger and frustration and despair.

It was definitely better than earlier in the year, where I spent my time revelling in the emotions. I was drinking, alot, I’d go and drink during breaks from classes, I’d spend all night at home drinking and doing my best to make sure the feelings didn’t get worked through.

In fact, I may have been doing things to try and make the feelings worse.

Not that I’m sorry about what I said during that time. The things that I said (and posted here) had to be said. They were truth, and the truth will set you free.

If I could go back in time, sure, I’d have done (almost all) things differently…. like not being brainwashed in the first place, like not being a shy asshole at various times, like not studying computer science at macquarie, like not stealing that stupid bear….

Many, many things I have done in the past were wrong, and the consequences of such actions are still being felt, and will still be felt for millenia to come.

But what is done is done. I’m not going to say things happened for a reason (or even a raisin) but if they hadn’t happened I wouldn’t have started chaotimusic.com

As we know from history, it is not the sane and happy ones that create the best art, it is the tortured and insane ones. The ones like me.

The me that is only now not being treated by all women with intense aversion or loathing.

Yay….

Picture bootlegged from here