Trust
“Confidence in or reliance on some person or quality.”
So says the wiktionary
The key aspect not being the idea of confidence or reliance, but the person or quality being trusted.
Now, I probably do have issues when it comes to reliance on others, but as far as I can tell that is just because of my past experiences.
Past experiences…. where the road hits the rubber, in a Pavolvian sense.
For it is the past where the events occurred that have conditioned our present, and future responses.
Some will hear the bell and expect food.
I hear the bell and expect that it is tolling for me.
To take an obvious example, lets look at my relationship history.
In the past, every time I have been interested in a girl, and made moves in that direction…. I have failed. I have come to expect the old “friend” line. Which is usually followed by them trying their best to avoid all contact, showing that liking me as a friend was a lie. In the present case I am still waiting….
In the past, every time I have been interested in a girl, and haven’t yet made moves in that direction…. I have failed. This is what I call the pre-emptive strike, because me asking them out is so humiliating they must stop it from occurring.
Hell, I have received pre-emptive rejections even when I haven’t been interested…. and you only once need to get roundhouse kicked across a room, sending boxes flying, to be conditioned to think that women find you repulsive.
So, in romantic relationships (or my lack thereof) I don’t have trust.
Or maybe I do have trust.
It is just that the quality I trust is failure in myself, and rejection, repulsion and revulsion from any and all women.
When it comes to friendship things don’t get much better.
I am used to being ignored, abandoned, forgotten.
Even now, I look around on say my facebook “friends”, and I don’t see anyone I can trust.
Maybe because they have proven in the past that they can’t be trusted.
Maybe because I know they have ulterior motives, that their fingers are crossed behind their backs, that they are just waiting for the right time to sink their fangs back in.
They may say otherwise, but I’ve read their instruction book – hell I even taught it to some of them.
I want to trust, but there is no one to trust.