Its all the same.

Once again I’m trekking home from some faraway event wondering why I even bother. Why do I spend all my time and money doing these things? Its not like I feel like part of the group. I feel like an imposter. Someone who is in the room, but not part of the group. Just a random acquaintance who hangs around.

I still have no one I’d call a friend. No one I’d call in the middle of the night if I felt like I needed to talk to someone. No one who I think would answer even if I did call.

I still have no direction. I don’t know what I want to do tomorrow, let alone long term. All my plans fall to pieces. It doesn’t matter what I do it has almost no effect on the wider world.

Atheist, christian, skeptic, school. Its all the same. I feel depressed and alone and useless, wondering why I even bother being social, or preaching the gospel, or writing songs, or doing anything.

I just want to feel comfortable and included – by I never am.

I just want to feel like I’m making a difference – but everything I do crumbles to dust before I can even start.